The First Church of Elvis

by Steven Ratkovich

[This file came through recently, and although the facts are a bit sketchy and hard to verify, it fits the existing facts known about the First Church of Elvis. Bull is somewhat known in the shadows and I can personally vouch for him. This an odd, but interesting file, chummers, enjoy.]

-Capt. Chaos (12:02:46/04-10-57)

History

In the year 202 in Mobile, Alabama, a man by the name of Moses Presley gave the first sermon in what was soon to become a huge religion in the South, and later throughout the CAS and reaching into the UCAS, several of the NAN lands, and even into California Free State. Moses told his small congregation that his great great uncle, the late Elvis Presley, had come to him in a vision and proclaimed to him that he was creating a new Heaven, and that Moses was his first Apostle.

[I had a vision of Elvis once, but it came after eating too many soy-chips during one of his old moves, “Blue Hawaii”.]

-Indy Jestion (18:03:21/04-12-57)

[Blasphemer! You shall burn beneath the righteous fury of the King!]

-Hound Dog (15:44:29/04-13-57) Moses gathered several of his friends and members of the local Elvis Fan Club and began preaching to them on the glories of the King of Rock and Roll. Whether due to his unique message, his charismatic nature, or the undying popularity of Elvis Presley, the Church of Elvis grew rapidly and within three years, Jhon Stoat, the Second Apostle of Elvis, was spoken to by the King himself. Stoat took over the Mobile church, and Moses moved to Nashville, Tennessee, where he started a church that became, in time, the largest single church of any kind in Northern America.

[Seattle has 3 such churches currently, and let me tell you, they are REALLY weird. Most of the priests look -exactly- like Elvis, including the Priestesses!]

-Mott (20:12:37/04-11-57)

[Really? Do you think it’s cosmetic surgery?]

-Confused (13:54:49/04-13-57)

[I’ve heard it’s part of some ritual it is they undergo to become Priests, or whatever.]

-Crinky (15:21:09/04-14-57) The Church has been growing steadily ever since, and currently boasts over 2,000 churches in North America, and over 35,000 members worldwide. Moses Presley is currently trying to start churches in Atzlan, Hawai’i, and Europe, although he is meeting considerable resistance in Atzlan and Hawai’i.

[That’s because we Hawai’ins don’t want none of them freaks running around our Islands. And the Azzies don’t want them either.]

-Make (16:09:41/04-12-57)

[But I thought Blue Hawaii was a big hit over there?]

-Confused (14:04:56/04-13-57)

[That was when Haoulies controlled the Islands, drekhead. That movie reminds us of a time when we were governed by morons.]

-Mako (19:55:21/04-15-57)

The Church

Members of the church often see visions of Elvis, speak in songs (similar to tongues, but it involves singing old Elvis hits in His voice), are visited by the messenger Hound Dog, and in general are considered fruitcakes by the general public. Worshipers often build shrines in their front yards, using large ceramic Elvis statues and loudspeakers playing His music 24-7.

[Oh boy, this is TOO much! ROTFL!]

-Why me? (XX:XX:XX/--**)

[Don’t laugh too much. I make a killing selling these things to the Elvites. ]

-Ceramic Chris (18:33:40/04-12-57) Services are held twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays, and they consider three dates to be religious holidays, and these are: His birthday, June 23; His Death, Oct. 14; and the day he cut his first album for his Momma, August 17. His birthday they celebrate like Christmas, by giving gifts and singing His carols. On the Anniversary of His Death, they have a day of mourning. And on the Day of First Song, they have Mardi Gras style festival with parades and street celebrations.

(NOTE: I don’t know, nor do I truly care what the actual dates are on this… Under the strange occurrence that this ever got published, I WOULD correct those. Also, the world would end.)

[You should see these guys on the so-called Day of First Song. They make the mardi gras look tame.]

-FYI (21:09:29/04-11-57) Members of the Church of Elvis become Priests only after having seen a vision of the King and being told to begin a new work, as a missionary or starting a new church. They also gain Magical Powers, which will be discussed later on in this post. They receive the full blessing of the current Church and after performing the Ritual of Elvis (the details of which are not known, and I couldn’t drag the info out of anyone), they are sent off to their new ministry area, and are funded by the parent church for the first year.

[From what I’ve heard, the Ritual involves sacrificially burning several modern music chips to the King.]

-Dee Dee (23:00:49/04-11-57)

[It ain’t chips they’re sacrificing, Dee… It’s unbelievers.]

-Uh Huh (17:36:10/04-14-57) Becoming a member of the Church involves a total devotion to the King. One may attend the Church without becoming a member, but you are required to become a member before you can participate in Church Events or be admitted to the Inner Council of Elvis, the rulers of the Church. Usually, a large tithe is required as part of the membership process, although what else goes on is not known. The members refuse to talk about it, and no one is known to have quit the Church.

[Like giving all your money to a church is anything new. That’s a scam that churches have been pulling for centuries…]

-Scammed (17:09:57/04-12-57)

Magic

The Priests of Elvis have recently been described as shamans, although the term is often disputed by other, “true” Shamans. However, the “visions” of Elvis, the way they cast their spells, and the way they think all point toward the Shamanic Tradition of spellcasting.

[First the God Totem, now Elvis! What’s next, Chocolate Shamans?]

-Skeptic (13:49:25/04-12-57)

[Hey, you never know what’ll pop up next. Shamanism comes more from within than without. It’s a psychological more than anything. Your totem just gives you a focus for your magic. For more on this, check out the Awakenings post a couple boards over.]

-Silicon Mage (21:41:33/04-13-57) While most priests start their own church, not all are cut out for leadership positions. These become Missionaries of Elvis, and attempt to preach to the masses on the streets. While they have the same magical abilities as the Priests, their spells more often than not run toward combat spells. The Missionaries are often more fanatical than the Priests, and they often attempt to deal harshly with “blasphemers” against the King.

[I met up with one of these “Missionaries” once. I told him to go hop, and he went nut! He started yelling and screaming that I’m a blasphemer and that I must die! The next thing I know this big spirit that looked like a huge dog (hound?) is rippin’ into me. I managed to banish it, but just barely. These guys are wackos, pure and simple.]

-Eagleman (18:23:43/04-11-57)

[I think you got away easy. You’re lucky he didn’t stick it to you while you were fighting that spirit. I saw a Missionary one time who cast one huge Hellblast to take out a single man who told him to frag off. Unfortunately, they were in the middle of a crowded shopping mall, and he took out 23 people with that spell.]

-Lucky Jeddy (19:05:49/04-12-57) The next section of this is actually gaming stats, so if you might find yourself playing against the FCoE, don’t read it… Like that’ll happen. :)

Gaming Rules

Becoming a Priest of Elvis involves becoming a member of the Church, and undergoing the Rite of Elvis (joining the Church) as well as the Ritual of Elvis (being anointed by the Head Priests and being sent off on their mission). Unless the player wants to run the Church (which would leave VERY little room for shadowrunning), he will be a Missionary Priest preaching to the masses.

The Rite of Elvis involves giving at least half your worldly goods to the Church, as well as several purifying rites including watching every Elvis movie made in one sitting, while fasting. There are several other, similar rituals, most of which are to prove your devotion to He of the Thrusting Pelvis. After this Rite, which lasts one week, the worshipper is admitted to the Membership of the Church of Elvis.

Because of the tithes that the member is required to give, starting characters get only half their starting cash resources to buy equipment. This is made up for in bonuses that Elvis gives to His Priests.

The Ritual of Elvis is nothing more than a farewell party given by the Council of Elvis and the Head Priest of Elvis, although the regular members and other attendants of the church never know that it is a party. The details are deliberately kept secret to enhance the mystery of the Priests of Elvis. However, at some point during the Ritual, the new Priest transforms and becomes a close copy of the King. Even females undergo this change, although they remain female…

Elvis Totem

Shamans of the Elvis Totem (called Priests or Missionaries) believe that Elvis is a new god, and that he has created a heaven especially for His followers if they are faithful and follow his teachings. Mostly, this includes listening to His music, watching His movies, and spreading His glory. Priests and Missionaries often distribute audio chips or video chips of the King to promote Him. Priests believe in brotherly love, but the Missionaries believe that all should worship Elvis, and that blasphemers should be killed.

Attribute	Description
Favored Environment	Any city or inhabited place where there are potential converts.
Advantages	(priests) +2 Health and Manipulation Spells (Missionaries) +2 Combat and Manipulation Spells
Disadvantages	(Priests) -1/2 starting resources (money) and -1 Combat Spells (Missionaries) -1/2 Starting Resources (money) and -1 Health Spells

Whew! Lots of typing today… Hope at least one person finds this entertaining… :)