Kilos Of Fun

My humble readers, I appear before you today with a horrible tale. Its ridiculously high pathetic-index is not only based on the participants’ total lack of any clues whatsoever, but in the fact that I was the GM in this case. Yes, the clueless followed me from Canada to Colorado, where they must have lain in wait for just such an opportunity. Sigh. I’m sorry.

The mission was to find and return a Corper’s son, who had disappeared. The group eventually tracked him down to a sex cult. After infiltrating the cult, during which the rigger was seduced by two women into almost staying with the cult (I figure he must have left his brains with them), the group discovered the Corperboy had been sent to the ‘northern retreat’, an island in the Queen Charlottes north of Vancouver, Canada.

So, this group piled into Kilo’s (the Superchromed Orc Sammie) luxury yacht, and headed north. After some reconnaissance, revealing that the entire north (cult) end of the island was divided from the south by a fence, the majority of the group went ashore on the island’s north side and headed for the cult’s HQ. Candyman (the rigger) and Kilo, decide they need to open the main road gate, in order to provide an avenue of retreat.

Now, let me give you some background. This island was ‘cottage country’ on the south side, meaning that most of the island’s population was only present during the summer. It was mid-February. I made it quite clear that the maximum number of inhabitants at this time was about 300.

So, off they jander. The rigger says, “I’m going to pull up to the town’s docks and moor the ship. I’ll be quiet and inconspicuous.” Hello? Inconspicuous? A luxury yacht in February? Yeah, right. So, the rigger does so, they offload the Yamaha Rapier (being driven in northern Canada in February!), both climb on board, and head for the fence. Oh, and totally inconspicuously!

The two arrive at the main gate, only to discover the fence is electrified. Of course, they brought no tools of any kind. Then, Candyman had a great idea. They could blow it open! Kilo could make a bomb, however, he had no tools. But, surely they could find some tools back in town! So, back on the bike they clamber. Arriving at the dock, they see a tool kit in the bed of a pickup, which is parked directly across from the dock, in front of the town’s only bar. They steal the toolkit from the truck, and head out again.

Arriving back at the fence, Kilo managed to rig a crude bomb, using gunpowder taken from his ammo and a pipe. He makes his skill roll and BOOM the blast goes off. However, he’s trying to blow down a chain link fence. The holes in the fence manage to dissipate most of the blast, leaving the gate down, but still hanging from the lower hinges and still across the road. They decide it’s too much of a risk to jump the bike over the spark spewing downed gate, as it belonged to another PC who would have their nuts if they damaged her bike. So, Candyman has ANOTHER bright idea. Let’s go back to town, steal that truck, and drive in it over the gate! By now, it’s about 11:30 p.m. game time.

Back they go. As they arrive at the truck, the bar door opens and a rough looking man weaves his drunken way towards the truck.

Candyman: “Excuse me, is this your truck?” Man: “Get out of my way, you fucking little pissant!” Candyman: “What did you say?” Man: “You deaf? Bugger off, asshole!” Candyman: “That’s it, I’m pissed off. I’m going to nail him, punch him in the face!” GM: OK. Roll your unarmed combat. Candyman: Ummmmm. I don’t have unarmed.

The battle’s outcome was inevitable. The guy socked Candyman in the face.

Kilo: “You Bastard!” I shoot him. GM: The gun echoes through the town. The guy drops like an elephant. From overtop the bar, a window opens. A female voice calls down “Hey! What’s going on down there?” Kilo: “Oh… I… think I heard a gunshot from the bar.” GM: hesitates a minute. This is a small town, everybody knows everybody. I pictured this scene in my mind. A huge chromed Orc holding a smoking gun, the body of Jimbo Mullins on the ground before him. “Oh. OK, just checking” the woman says. The window shuts. Kilo: Good. OK, I’m gonna shove the body off the dock, and hotwire the truck. GM: looks after the skill roll TN as she pictures the woman in the upstairs apartment making a frantic call to the local sheriff.

Think this is bad? You ain’t seen NUTHIN yet!

They get the truck started, (didn’t even THINK of seeing if the dead man had any KEYS) and go back to the gate. When they arrive, there are shadows moving in the woods on the other side of the fence, but a sucky Percep. Roll doesn’t reveal the shadows as guard dogs, just giant indistinct shapes. As they are standing around in fear of what might be moving in the woods, and deciding if they really want to drive the truck over the gate after all, two sheriff’s cars are spotted on its way up the road. Candyman drives the truck off the road to the edge of the woods, and turns off the engine and lights. Of course, the cops spot them (in Jimbo’s stolen truck). Stopping, the two cops climb out the opposite side of the first car and level rifles, yelling for the two to surrender. Both cops are killed in the ensuing fight, one of which died from Kilo driving his cyberfist through his skull, in quite a gross display of spattering grey matter. The other cop car was stopped when its tires were shot out, causing it to go off the road and explode when it hit a tree at about 80 kph. Eventually, Candyman did drive the truck over the electrified fence, partially melting the tires and drove the truck to the cult’s HQ.

Let’s skip a good chunk of the adventure, since the others handled the bug lair and the enslaved cultists separately. (CLUE Note to File: One of the other players, who reviewed this file, begged me to express quite clearly to my readers the fact that the rest of the group had NOTHING TO DO with this gross cluelessness). However, once the thirty or so cult kids were freed, Kilo decided to return to his yacht and bring it north to pick up his chummers.

Kilo: “I’m getting on the Rapier and going back to town.”

GM: “All right, you get back no problem. Your yacht is still there.”

Kilo: “I’ll wheel the bike up the ramp, park it, and pilot it to where the others are waiting.”

GM: “As you near the cockpit, a voice calls out ‘Halt. Drop your weapons.’ What do you do?”

Kilo: “Ummm… I guess I’ll drop my weapons.”

GM: (blinking in shock, but keeping a normal expression) “All of them?”

Kilo: “Yeah.”

GM: “OK. A grey bearded man comes out of the pilot station, and you can hear the movement of another person behind you. The man says ‘Sir, I’m afraid I have to put you under arrest. Would you please come with me to the station.’ What do you do?”

Kilo: “I’ll go with him.”

GM: (hiding her expression of total and astonished disbelief) He takes your arm, and leads you off the ship and to a small building about two blocks away. The man behind you steps forward to open the door to the sheriff’s station, a young fellow. You are marched to a cell, and locked up.

Kilo: “OK.”

Eventually the Shaman of the group snuck into town and took the yacht to pick up his chummers. Concealed by a spirit, they spent the day in the lea of a nearby island, waiting for nightfall to rescue Kilo. During the day they spot a Salish Military chopper fly overhead to the island, and then fly back to the mainland. When they finally went to rescue Kilo, he was long gone. Taken into custody by the Salish Military, who had been called in since effectively the entire police force (one sheriff, three volunteers) of the island had been wiped out. The buzz around town was that, last night, a transient/mass murderer had been apprehended by the Harbourmaster! and his Apprentice! in a gutsy Citizen’s arrest. The huge Orc still had the drying remains of Jack Ettinger’s brain coating his metal fist! Of course, Mr. Farquharson and his grandson were awarded Medals of Bravery.

To this very day, the lurid retelling of the St. Vitus’ Island Massacre, complete with the stunning UNARMED capture of a dangerous criminal, is still a favourite tale around the island’s summer campfires.

Yes, both the Harbourmaster and his grandson had been unarmed. Oh, and get this, when I took the character sheet away from the player, it was revealed that not only did Kilo have an Electronics skill of six (!), but he also had a Maglock Passkey, Level 5 (!!!), neither of which it even occurred to him to use to open the gate in the first place!

Can you believe that? I have to, because I was THERE, my friends!

Kilo? Oh, he got the electric chair. Fried his ass but good too!

Note: The clueless surround us. There is no escape. Resistance is futile.